And Monday Never Came...

She said the sweetest goodbye to me

the kind you can't ever forget,

And I couldn't wait to see her again

The weekend couldn't go faster yet,

Soon after she left my arms

her favorite time of day settled into the sky,

Sunsets will now change forever for me

everything was beautiful through her eyes, 

The news wasn't really something I watched

it bored and saddened me to no end,

Newspapers went straight in the trash

and the political debates left much to contend,

But walking along the beach

I ran into my neighbor and his dog,

He asked if I had heard the news 

about the girl who died driving in the fog,

She was found driving west of here

and they estimated her speed at 85,

Her ipod was still on full blast

I could picture her feeling so alive,

I stood still for what seemed like hours

the feelings in my limbs went numb,

The waves continued its courtship to the sea

and while I couldn't walk, I wanted to run,

She said the sweetest goodbye to me

the kind you can never forget,

All the passion she put into her days

oh she treated life like a celebratory fete,

Monday never came for us

her radiant smile was now etched in my mind,

Never afraid of anything

her future wasn't meant for a longer time,

She was found wearing a beautiful dress

her windows partially down, the heater stalled,

Her cell phone was tossed onto the floor

my number was the last she had called...

I've had this poem in my head for a week now...I know it's quite glum...in stark contrast to the week I've had. But this is me - a pure contradictions of sorts. I can be at my happiest and my saddest all at once. This is a poem describing the death of one's own self...in this case mine...

Absolute

I cannot truly describe how beautiful the skies were in my backyard today. Sounds of a dog barking, a plane overhead, birds flying, clouds floating, trees swaying, construction work in the distance...it all amounted to the absolute most perfect setting for me. These videos don't capture the magic as well as standing in the center of it all...but I wanted to get it on film...maybe just for me to remember...

Fifty-one Days

It's 51 days into the new year and I'm profoundly happy to say that all five of my senses have been thoroughly engaged. It's not easy...for I can be a strange mix of happy-go-lucky and goofy alongside being dark and deep. My stratosphere can be quite mundane at times...you know...to and from school, grocery store visits, errands, laundry, to-do lists...all those fabulous things. I sprinkle them with girlfriend coffee dates, lunches, business meetings and insightful long walks or drives. Then there is my work, my most creative side to life and what I love doing most. But with all the facets of my life...my mind is a wanderer and oh how I love to let it go and take in what's around me. And so...in 51 days this is what has enamored me:

Touch:

• discovered that I still really do love clean counter tops that have no crumbs on them
• said goodbye to itchy shapeless stuff and hello to Goodwill
• indulging in the softest of cottons
• taking in as many hugs from my kids as possible and from those I love too
• quite often asking for a hug or offering a handshake can make someone else's day

Sight:

• discovered that the sheer sight of a really powerful tire just gets me
• enjoying every tractor and construction site I get to joyfully pass by
• taking in the evening sunsets and the quiet softness they add to the sky
• my subscription to The Economist...yes!
• Jacksonville's seven bridges, just love each one
• my pics from California, my home state always
• music videos and movies, thank you You Tube and Netflix

Sound:

• discovered new music via the Subterranean channel on TV = happy girl
• re- connected with Sade, old jazz favorites and my Cd's of classical music
• opening the windows and soaking in the sweet sounds of nature and construction
• overhead helicopters and small passenger planes...music to my ears
• the Blue Angels' flight sounds...wow

Taste:

• discovered rose wine, delicate and a bit fruity
• mid-day martini, absolutely
• baking croissants at home with cheese inside, yummy 
• freshly squeezed oranges from our garden, the first five that grew were so sweet, more to come
• nestle toll house cookies and Betty Crocker cakes, enough said
• chocolate lava cake at Al's Pizza, pure heaven
• Ferraro Rocher chocolates, not just for Christmas

Smell:

• discovered a cappuccino candle, heavenly
• fresh laundry piled high...mmmmmm
• the freshness of nature in the woods, on a long walk
• anything baking, preferably a cheese pizza or chocolate chip cookies
• fresh morning air, when it's chilly and a bit foggy
• remembering my parents' scent of Oil of Olay and cloves

Train tracks and fallen leaves...sight, sound, touch, smell, taste...

I Learned Nothing At All

Today I learned nothing at all
I chose not to do
not to hear
not to say
anything

Today I stared into space
and did not question
why the walls were so
how the ceiling was built
or why on a certain window there lay fingerprints

Today feeling numb
felt good
a bit aimless
zoned out
no competition, no checklist

Today I learned nothing at all
it was refreshing not to invite
or anticipate
or deviate
anything or anyone

Today I remembered
why I enjoy what I do
whatever it is
and that no one needs to click like or follow
or even see what I see

Today I learned
that the sweetest part of my mind
is that which is mine
where no one enters
no one leaves
and no marks are left

by anyone or anything

The Greatest Mistake

Tom Brokaw wrote about The Greatest Generation. Abraham Lincoln has said some of the greatest quotes. I'm not a prolific writer nor was I a president...but I am here to write about the greatest mistake. It started many many many years ago, when I was a kid. I had to figure out a way to deal with the constant bullying. Whether it was about my origins or looks or anything really. "Your ears are so big, you must fly like Dumbo at night!" "Do you dance around a fire with feathers on your head?" - no, I'm from India which makes me Indian, not Native American Indian. "Do you have cows in your backyard?" "Why are so many people starving in India?" You get the gist of it now I am guessing? I really wouldn't to quote it all here.

It was relentless. Perhaps it was my being the youngest of three, perhaps it was my joy of being the family clown. But humor became my best friend and my best defense...or so I thought. When someone would ask the most irritating of ignorant questions, I'd simply laugh and brush off what they were saying. Often times, I'd reluctantly agree with them. I felt it was the only way to get out, fast. Little did I know, this sense of humor creeped its way into my conversations, my thoughts and how I even saw myself. I was so used to being made fun of all those years, that if someone said, "Wow, this is awesome work!" I'd laugh and reply with, "Oh it's nothing." If someone genuinely complimented my outfit, my looks, my attitude, I'd again brush it off with laughter. The words, "Thank you" wouldn't even touch my lips. For how in the world could I change the ease of putting myself down? Of laughing at myself? Even though pure sincerity might pour from the mouths of others, deep inside, there was a voice that would always say, "Do they really mean this about me? Nah."

My greatest mistake. Self deprecating humor. Yes, it is humbling. Yes, it brings humility. It also brings with it a terrible perception to others that I may in fact, not be that great or smart or ambitious or talented or any human trait I was striving for or possessed. The worse part about it is that with some, it is just too late. Too many funny jokes about me being the talkative one in school has now put me in the position of not having been a serious student when in fact, I got straight A's, okay a few B's. My admitting to being clumsy, a late bloomer, not a news-watcher has left me out of many a conversations and social situations. I was never good at math, yet I majored in Economics and handle all of the family finances,..but the former admittance shadows any success with the latter. And so I often retreat to being quiet. For you cannot quote what is not said.

I am working on being more open to the applause. Yesterday, I heard myself saying "You're so sweet, I really appreciate that." It actually felt good because the person giving the compliment felt heard. Something I hadn't thought about the importance of. Slowly but surely, I find my humor turning more towards the situation and not me. And I am fighting with the voices that take me back to those years. I know we all make mistakes. But you can rebake a cake. You can say sorry to a friend. You can heal a bleeding wound. But perception, speculation, hearsay? They can all lead to becoming facts and ruin the views of the those you want so much to prove otherwise.

And so I am reminded of these lyrics by Depeche Mode and to this I say, "Thank you":

You can't change the world
But you can change the facts
And when you change the facts
You change points of view
If you change points of view
You may change a vote
And when you change a vote
You may change the world