The Greatest Mistake

Tom Brokaw wrote about The Greatest Generation. Abraham Lincoln has said some of the greatest quotes. I'm not a prolific writer nor was I a president...but I am here to write about the greatest mistake. It started many many many years ago, when I was a kid. I had to figure out a way to deal with the constant bullying. Whether it was about my origins or looks or anything really. "Your ears are so big, you must fly like Dumbo at night!" "Do you dance around a fire with feathers on your head?" - no, I'm from India which makes me Indian, not Native American Indian. "Do you have cows in your backyard?" "Why are so many people starving in India?" You get the gist of it now I am guessing? I really wouldn't to quote it all here.

It was relentless. Perhaps it was my being the youngest of three, perhaps it was my joy of being the family clown. But humor became my best friend and my best defense...or so I thought. When someone would ask the most irritating of ignorant questions, I'd simply laugh and brush off what they were saying. Often times, I'd reluctantly agree with them. I felt it was the only way to get out, fast. Little did I know, this sense of humor creeped its way into my conversations, my thoughts and how I even saw myself. I was so used to being made fun of all those years, that if someone said, "Wow, this is awesome work!" I'd laugh and reply with, "Oh it's nothing." If someone genuinely complimented my outfit, my looks, my attitude, I'd again brush it off with laughter. The words, "Thank you" wouldn't even touch my lips. For how in the world could I change the ease of putting myself down? Of laughing at myself? Even though pure sincerity might pour from the mouths of others, deep inside, there was a voice that would always say, "Do they really mean this about me? Nah."

My greatest mistake. Self deprecating humor. Yes, it is humbling. Yes, it brings humility. It also brings with it a terrible perception to others that I may in fact, not be that great or smart or ambitious or talented or any human trait I was striving for or possessed. The worse part about it is that with some, it is just too late. Too many funny jokes about me being the talkative one in school has now put me in the position of not having been a serious student when in fact, I got straight A's, okay a few B's. My admitting to being clumsy, a late bloomer, not a news-watcher has left me out of many a conversations and social situations. I was never good at math, yet I majored in Economics and handle all of the family finances,..but the former admittance shadows any success with the latter. And so I often retreat to being quiet. For you cannot quote what is not said.

I am working on being more open to the applause. Yesterday, I heard myself saying "You're so sweet, I really appreciate that." It actually felt good because the person giving the compliment felt heard. Something I hadn't thought about the importance of. Slowly but surely, I find my humor turning more towards the situation and not me. And I am fighting with the voices that take me back to those years. I know we all make mistakes. But you can rebake a cake. You can say sorry to a friend. You can heal a bleeding wound. But perception, speculation, hearsay? They can all lead to becoming facts and ruin the views of the those you want so much to prove otherwise.

And so I am reminded of these lyrics by Depeche Mode and to this I say, "Thank you":

You can't change the world
But you can change the facts
And when you change the facts
You change points of view
If you change points of view
You may change a vote
And when you change a vote
You may change the world