A Gem of a Day

Yeah, that's me. And whatever happiness I am feeling in this photograph as a wee one for school, I felt today. The sun was shining, the wind was breezy, and my soul was on fire. Now mind you, if I tell you what I worked on majority of the day, you will most likely think I have lost my mind. But truthfully, I gained more today than I have in a long time. I was only on about five hours of sleep. I had worked a 9:00pm to 2:00am shift at Gap Kids - inventory night. I've gotten into this "sleep mode" where I'm actually thinking about a million things with my eyes closed. Don't laugh, I get it from my mom, God bless her.

I was so motivated today and there was one person that I felt was overseeing my entire operation...my dad. No matter the situation, the circumstance, the weather, the time, he and my mom made life - they didn't let life make them. If you have passion within you, you will know exactly what I am talking about.

I had quite the huge agenda on my mind. 

1. Finishing organizing/gathering all of the 2016 tax documents, statements and receipts.

2. Organizing an enormous pile of never been organized Sunisha Designs docs, receipts, invoices and memos for 2016 taxes.

3. Enrolling those little necessary but irritating bills online so that the Internet Gods can happily pay my bills when my checkbook is on vacation in the dresser drawer.

4. Make hotel reservations for Sohan's STEM camp this summer.

5. Check email and actually reply where needed.

6. Plan out the event calendar for Sunisha Designs.

7. Watch the Daytona 500 from beginning to end. From start to finish. And enjoy every sexy minute of it!

8. Stretch legs. Tell the kids I love them and hug them.

9. Get up and drink water, maybe remember to eat lunch with hungry children nearby. 

10. Smile profusely because this kinda focus doesn't come everyday.

11. Hear mom and dad's voices reminding me of strength, independence and motivation.

12. Thank at least two people via text for being the amazing people that they are. I just love doing that. I picked my kiddos' gifted teacher, Ms. Jones and my great friend, Geoffrey, who I voice mailed.

13. Keep going even though social media, blue skies and the race cars are whooshing all around me.

14. Look for apartment rentals, more on that someday...

15. Let the kids and hubby play at the park for a much deserved release because I must must must finish and finish I did!

Ooooooohhhhh. I felt fabulous. Proud, Giddy, Really happy. Marvelous. I collapsed onto the sofa, turned up the NASCAR volume and settled into a beautiful mini blue bottle of a Schmitt & Sohne Riesling. Perfect size for petite me and perfect for enjoying a thank you God, mom and dad moment. 

So you see my dearies...spas, cruise ships or ridiculously expensive designer fashions don't entice me one bit. A day like today brought me true joy. When I am reminded of my strengths, my focus, my passions. That relentless hungry fire to pursue, persist and finish. Stopping to love, pausing to smile. Sure, who among us would be joyful to do taxes on a lovely Sunday afternoon along with all the aforementioned items? Me.

Fascinated?

Stripped

It's quite difficult to nail down my top five Depeche Mode songs. Each are so unique in sound and raw emotion. But here is an attempt...

Black Celebration
World in My Eyes
But Not Tonight
Stripped
Policy of Truth

One of these in particular has been on my mind, Stripped. Funny thing is that with its title, people have misunderstood it to be a song about well, the stripping of clothes. But on the contrary, David Gahan explains the real meaning here:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mj2M0lUOL0A

And here is the video which I love even more. The creativity in the way its filmed is right up my alley! The black and white footage, the angles, the visual effects, the car being smashed...it is truly an epic video...it is truly Depeche Mode.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qU8UfYdKHvs#action=share

Three Wise Men

Three Wise Men

Okay, these are not the three wise men you are thinking of from way, way back. But rather, these are three strangers that left me quite an impact...let's start...(to save time, I didn't add the conversational quotations!)

November: I was visiting a house inspection, something I really love as I love all things construction. When I finished, I nearly fell into a hole of mud in the front yard. A few men were doing the landscape when an elderly man said, Oooohhh, you be careful! I would'a caught you right up in my arms! I laughed and replied, yeah, that's just how clumsy I am! This is what I love about these hardworking individuals. Rain or shine, hot or cold, they are out there working with the happiest of disposition. This gentleman was easily in his 60's and yet had the demeanor of someone whose grandkids must gather around to hear great stories at night. I pictured him playing at a jazz club somewhere but that's just me. A stranger to me but what an impression of sweetness he made.

December: Yes, I had been watching quite a many Hallmark Christmas movies with my kiddos. Santa was in every form in those movies...influencing lives, adding positivity, taking the bad out of the good...all that stuff. A usual day at Gap Kids became a Hallmark movie moment. A lovely senior couple walked in. As a good employee, I greeted them and asked if they needed any help. The gentleman smiled proudly and said his wife did all the shopping and he did all the paying. I instantly loved his sense of playful humor. As she shopped, he came over to the cash register where Katie and me were chatting about store logistics. I knew he was up for conversation so I asked about his grandkids...with a hearty smile I got to know all about them! Following that was the description of his kids, all in their forties, married...he said he taught them that trust was the #1 one thing to always have in a marriage. He points to his wife and says, fifty years and never once did I question anything. He adds with a chuckle, and she's more beautiful now than she was before! I told him I add would one more thing to trust and that was respect. To that he replies, YES! If someone is not respecting you, making you feel down, leave them! And with that, his wife swiftly said it was time to go. I smiled and said, you were meant to come in today, weren't you? He smiles just like Santa Clause would and says, I sure was. I know for sure, he was Santa. That message could only be delivered by someone who was makin' a list and checkin' it twice.

January: I had just finished three hours of emceeing a Chinese New Year's event at the mall. It was absolutely amazing but boy was I exhausted and very very hungry! I head straight for the food court and settled on a toasted Subway veggie sandwich. After I paid, the sweet kid who made my sandwich smiled and said, did anyone tell you you look beautiful today? I laughed and said, no! Well, you look beautiful...do you work in the mall? No, I said, and told him about the event I just came from. I told him he made my day and thanked him. Let me just say, what a brave soul. I hope that kid goes far in life...too often people are scared to say what they want to and I really applaud someone with guts like his.

So these are the three wise men...strangers that I will most likely never see again. But guess what? They are no stranger to kindness, bravery and humor and those are the three wisest things one can have, no?

Hey Mash, it's 2017

Dear Mash,

I found them. The letters we used to write to ourselves with our left hand. Good grief, that handwriting looks better than how we write with our right hand today. I'm glad I wrote to you, to us. I think it's so important to acknowledge who we are, where we've been, where we are going and who we have become through the journey.

No one can steal your light Mash.

So with it being the new year and my handwriting not that great, I'm writing to you here Mash. So listen up because you have rode many roads and so many exits took you off your path. Get back on and hit that pedal...

• And go full speed and let the naysayers and the backstabbers pass you by, in awe. They missed out on getting to know one great chick.
• You've flown on a helicopter. Sped your way on NASCAR. What's next Mash? Hint, don't stop.
• I know. I know. You put everyone first. You remember to surprise Sohan with cinnamon goodies from Publix and Paneras. You remember that Saloni loves fruit snacks. You stock Sunil's wallet with cash so it's never empty. But beyond that and a million other responsibilities, you are always looking out to make sure everyone is okay. Don't forget you, k?
• When you end something, it doesn't mean you gave up. It means you knew when to let go and knowing that difference is huge.  
• Your whole life has been about change...moving residences, letting go, giving things away, saying goodbye, opening doors, accepting challenges, breathing life into a blank canvas and letting the paint fall beautifully. This is you...red carpet it.
• Project eX, promise me you fulfill this.
• I think you scare others. Because you are you. You know your flaws, your goods, your bads, your insides, your outs. You love you and that is scary. Funny isn't it?
• But in that same way, you are vulnerable, emotional and sensitive in the most intense way and so what. Man oh man, forget the notion that being sensitive is a bad thing. Makes you one heck of a poet.
• Shakespeare and Pablo Neruda. God bless these lovers of love. If they knew how much of an influence they have on you...wow. Keep that passion ignited Mash...it is so fiery and feisty. Let your love be old fashioned, let your dreams be of things that only movies declare to be true, and let your heart beat to songs only you can hear. This is to live.
• You would drive 500 miles for 15 amazing minutes...don't you change that amazingness.
• I know others may not see what you see in your photographs, but keep taking them for you. And as far as not being taken in others' photos, um, their loss.  
• Don't ever and I mean ever, forget your past. It is part of life's history. It's quite interesting how many quotes tell people to "forget living in the past" or "to live only in the moment". Thankfully, someone thought of creating the History channel.  
• And speaking of quotes Mash, I love these that you came up with:

- It's important to spend time with the devil so we can remember who our angels are.

- The best routes we take in life stem from our roots.

- How someone makes you feel is everything. No one leaves a job when the boss likes them. No one leaves a relationship when they are loved.

 - Money, fame, religion, possessions...nothing compares losing those to losing respect.

Happy 2017 Mash...love you as you.

Souvenirs

Sometimes I blame my visual-ness
it gets me into a mental mess
But heck, who doesn't know the truth sucks
especially when you know, you're out of luck
I'm collecting so many kinds of souvenirs
just to remind me of moments and thoughts my dear
No one thinks I'll recognize the game
I may be naïve but I can recognize shame
"From the bricks of shame is built the hope"
What my favorite band said is so freaking dope
Maybe this'll change into a rap song
Cause nobody cares anymore about right from wrong
Everybody's in it to get what they want
They'll tell you you're pretty and leave in a jaunt
Little tremors that stir the soul
Fill you up and then leave a gaping hole
You keeping thinking its healed but it awakens again
It can take one little thing and poof, you're in the lion's den
I know getting out ain't easy at all
People who stand over you are shorter than tall
So don't let the bastards win at their game
Embrace where you're going and from where you came
My visual-ness may cause me to overthink
But I can sense deception just when you want me to blink
And along the way, amidst the moon and the stars
My souvenirs will guide me as you drift away far...

The Devil Has It

And this is what I came up with...

It's important to spend time with the devil for it reminds you of how many angels you are surrounded by.

It's not easy recognizing the devil. It can be a person...mesmerizing, inviting, taunting you if you let go, messing with your mind if you stay.

It can be an object...leading to obsessive thoughts, visceral reactions and at worse, a desire to want more...

I don't have much to say here for I feel strongly that my statement says it all...do you agree?

There is more than one view to this window...one bars you, one invites you, one leads outside, and one? Only the devil knows...

Hi Dad

Hi Dad,

I miss you. It's 2:33am and I should probably be sleeping but I'm wide awake knowing that this is the month you said goodbye...be that it was peacefully in your sleep, I miss you everyday. They say that letting go means we are able to let go and create space for something new. But what replaces a parent? What replaces their love? You are ever present Dad. So here are my thoughts tonight or er, this morning...

Letting Go...

There is no expiration to human emotion is there?
No true way of letting go of things we love, even if we dare,
There is no stamped date telling us when to let go
No real way of knowing what's coming, what's out there,

How does time heal
or does it just bring us different wounds
Stealing our focus from one to the other
so as to pause any thoughts that lead to gloom,

All the music in the world
all my favorite songs and tunes do frequently collect,
Playing in my head day and night
and the memories that replay and often resurrect,

Bring me back to all the things I love
the still frames and album covers,
Cause nothing truly expires when it comes to the heart
like family, friends and those old fashioned lovers,

So when I feel you smile
with the sun's rays amidst the clouds,
When I know your voice is still within me
I love knowing you're still around...

I love you Dad

It Doesn't...

Not everything in life has to be a goal or a timeline or a record
It needn't be in a frame or on a mantel or strung on a ribbon
No one needs proof or a title or an absolute truth
Some things cannot be defined perfectly and some things...

...can simply be an amazing feeling
a moment in time
a beautiful thing
a feast for the senses
an open road

And that is all
And this is it...

Epiphanies

Be it a view or a conversation that inspired this post
Be it what it is...these are my non-connected thoughts, quotes and my-right-now-somethings

Let those visions fly out the window and collect stars
We are not replaceable not in the least
When someone sees that amazing beauty, they will cherish it
After 20 years? Um, yes it's so possible
3,000 miles away? Doesn't matter Mash, it's you...
How about in eight years, we drive down PCH in that car?
The only thing I want to change about you, is your last name.
Just pick up the Economist and your small thoughts get a much bigger world
Thank you Brooke Davis, vulnerability and pure honesty over feminism and empowerment any day
Make it your stage everyday, cause you will always have an audience
Of course they make you feel small, anyone who shouts does
You got for it Mash, and that alone is the beautiful difference
The word bastard exists for a reason
Call it what anyone will, yours is the deepest kind
Be the better person, thank you Jimmy
Eh bloody what yar?
Hmmm, if you ask me Mash...that comfort vs nights out, definitely
Brakes break for a reason
I believe that's the new minimum wage
It's the Macinaw peaches Jerry! The Macinaw peaches!
I would drive 500 miles to see you for 10 minutes
View? What view? Any view with you is great
I'm so glad you're around

And you know what Mash? You'll always be a petunia. Always.

Melancholia

In the melancholia of the moment
I sought to embrace the sensuality of the sun,
Its long rays kissing my skin
Leaving with me a sense of feeling undone,

I searched for solace in the breeze
the graceful swaying of the trees

In the random way my mind thinks
in the shades of all things contemplative
I tried to freeze time
and take in the narratives

I found myself and then smiled at ease
To what do I achieve if I continually appease

In the melancholia of the moment
I realized there really is no map
And with that reality came a truth
Of what I have and what I will never truly grasp...

A Shakespearean Kind of Love

I was meant for a Shakespearean kind of love
the kind where emotions drip like the rain
Off of fingertips and into puddles
Collecting slowly into vessels of passion

Where love is non-perfect
jutting directly into the center of the heart
Touching each nerve gentle as a summer breeze
caressing each whim with careful consideration

It is uneasy, uncomfortable, incomparable
its scent leaves one heady with hunger
Trance-like, it seeks to take over the mind and body
clinging to the soul like a soft blanket

I was meant for a Shakespearean kind of love
in its purest form, its truest form
Enduring the hollowness of today's conventions
indulging in deep valleys where only kindness echoes loudly

Where love collides with romance and mystery and tenderness
opening the soul to views never seen or felt or heard before
Widening the depth of the mind leaving it limitless
for there are no boundaries to this kind of love

When no music is heard, love speaks
creating its own notes of lust and pleasure
Breathing its melodies into every pore of every inch of skin
where goosebumps cannot compete to stay down

My kind of love
Deep, delicious, soulful, graceful
Respecting, doting, loving
Playful, plentiful, beautiful
Loyal, strong, passionate
Hungry, happy, hopeful

And never at a loss for more...

Yeah, I'm that girl

Yeah, I'm that girl...

who loves a good belly laugh
who's still scared of the dark
and loves to take random photographs

who's quite the late bloomer
who learned how to wear mascara in her thirties
and ride a bike at 43 no sooner

who can't go a day without appreciating
someone, something, that deserves complimenting

who is as absent-minded as it gets
can get lost in a city known or unknown
and doesn't mind losing to my kiddos - a good bet

who'd rather just go for it
who doesn't want to dance not to be seen
or shy away from singing out loud in a car or supermarket

who'll wrap her arms around just the right kinda love
who can give more than gets returned
and never forget to thank all those happy stars above

who will do in life whatever it takes
who can at once be energetic yet downright tired
and drive as far as a car can go without any brakes

who might forget a birthday but will make a mean brownie
clean house, pay the bills and fall asleep soundly

yeah, I'm that girl who is known to be quite goofy
gets dressed up to feel inside out pretty
and knows square feet aren't needed to feel fabulous or funny...

Musings and Discoveries

I was checking on the status of my upcoming fashion show on none other than Facebook, when I came across the Jacksonville Symphony's cover photo. Absolutely loved it! Although I'm not much of a purple girl, I loved the theme behind this. It made me stop and think...what would a season of me be like? I assure you plenty of music would be playing. There would be dance clubs open during the day so I could dance while the kids are in school (we had "socials" in India). My season would have an abundance of fruit and I would eat every sauteed, boiled and cooked vegetable possible...mmmmmm. I'd bike safely through parks. Take major road trips with no set destination. Fill the house with friends and family and food. Settle into the evening with a leisurely walk and end it with a movie that wasn't a blockbuster. I'd call and meet vs. text and message. I'd garden and get plenty of mosquito bites. Wave at bus drivers, construction workers and truck drivers - you know all the people that keep our world moving, yet get forgotten. I'd dip my toes in more waters and take plane flights to random places. Enjoy a cocktail at 3:00pm and a fried egg at 2:00am. And oh, I would most certainly write...poetry, on this blog, cards, letters, you name it. Yes, my season would be fun and fierce and fabulous.That's okay, right?

Then I came across this adorable quote. And it got me thinking about my birthstone, turqoiuse - I know that isn't spelled right. It's not my favorite color. I'm a green girl. But coffee has been my best friend since college. I'd drink it around 4/5pm so I could stay up just past midnight to study for school. Always the instant kind - Folgers, Maxwell House or Nescafe. Adulthood came and everyone was about cashing in their pension at Starbucks. I was a girl paying bills and saving up, so I bought one coffee, kept the cup and filled it with water subsequently...just to fit in. Oh c'mon, we've all done stuff like that! Coffee still is my best friend. I drink decaf in the morning and caffeine in the evening...it's why I can write at this hour. I love making an Indian iced version - strong and sweet. I love the sheer joy of making a hot cup when friends stop by. The simple act of adding cream and sugar is beautiful to me. And I love that coffee shops all over the world bring people together, which brings me back to my birthstone. As a Sagittarian - probably isn't spelled right either - we are all about people. So yeah, maybe the coffee bean is really my birthstone, Want to come over for a cup?

Hello life!

The fog has lifted and it's beautiful here

I'm not rushing to learn how to steer,

Someone wise said it isn't always bulletproof

This life we live, the things that happen under the roof,

And my eyes see only an open sky

That's my roof, that's no lie,

I've been watching the birds and seagulls too

Navigating the starry skies is my new hobby, who knew?

I love it here, my favorite song is playing

Every lyric reminds me of what my parents would be saying,

The breeze is balmy and I just keep on smiling

No one around, no one complaining or whining,

Rose colored glasses is what I've always worn

Mixing in my jewels and thoughts is what adorns,

My soul is not empty for so much love fills it

Even 3,000 miles away, someone writes and just gets it,

I have had those moments that bring me to my knees

I know more might be coming, but I'm holding off, yes please!

It's easy for the mind to play those tricks

Luring me to places where things are hard to fix,

I'm not letting the junk that others throw my way

Deter my path, I'm on a journey each step of each day,

And when the sun rises tomorrow, I'll hear my melody again

Surround myself with everything that this life will so beautifully lend...

Song playing in my head: Hold on when you get love. Let go when you give it, Stars

"..............."

Every now and then I love to surround myself with things said vs. things done. I heard on the radio that it's important to be a "human doing" not a "human being" but I disagree. I love being. Simply being in the moment, the stillness of time. And in that, remembering words of wisdom from those I love, look up to or simply am darn lucky to be in the presence of...

This is only a sampling of quotes through the years mind you...a book would be needed to cover it all! You just might find your initials here, so yeah, thank you...for saying what you did, for meaning it and for being part of my life.

- I have yet to see you fear anything. E.P.

- You've only one run at this life and it's too short for regrets and what ifs. D.P.B

-  I always appreciated your energy and zest for life, and glad to see you are still going strong. E.B.

- There is nothing that time can't end. M.C.

- Blood is not thicker than water. A.K.

- Being vertical is a great way to start each day. M.C.

- I don't care if you haven't done it before. Show me how you'd do it. D.S.

- Maybe it's their challenge right now, but could be their gift later in life. R.S.

- Being vulnerable is great thing. It makes you open to what's out there. P.L.

- You create your own obstacles. Don't. C.L.R

- You make life HD. E.P.

- It would be nice if you could just compartmentalize it (negativity) and not let it affect your good stuff. L.H.

- Next stop Oprah. J.C.

- Always ask. If you ask, then only can you gain knowledge. Pappa

- It's okay. Pappa (you just had to hear it the way I did)

- Just do it today, who knows what tomorrow will be like. Mummy

- If you're worried what they'll say, don't share what's important to you. Why bother having what's so special ruined with someone's frivolous opinion? Mummy

- You've got to take advantage if it, of them. Be ruthless and take advantage. My sis


And here's a few of mine...

- There's nothing wrong with thinking the grass is greener on the other side. Isn't that what makes us dare to cross the street?

- There'll be those that turn down your music. But they can't turn it down between your ears, let it play loud. 

- Speed bumps are meant to slow you down and take caution. Then push that pedal like you never have.

- Yeah, I don't know how to swim and maybe that's why I tend to drown before I surface. But at least I do surface.

- I may live my life quite often in the past and quite often in the future. But the past was an awesomely beautiful set of years and my future is my own picture window of dreams, I quite like it.

- If anyone takes the wind out of your hair, it's time to get out of the car or roll down the window.

- Let love fill your every inch of your life be it through relationships, connections, kids, friends, work...flowers, clouds, travel...because that my friend, is really passion. Passion for life. Passion for yourself. It leads you, guides you and every now and then kisses you with more than you ever imagined.

The B-Sides

Blissful.
Beautiful.
Bountiful.

I realize all the things I feel today end with "ful" as in full!

My heart is indeed full today after many apprehensions and critical conventions...

I started the say with a blissful bike ride at 6:00am.
I had my beautiful friend, Staci, pop over in the morning hours as we talked, laughed and shared intimate details of our comical yet often complex lives.
I reconnected with my favorite connection which indeed was blissful.
I took the kiddos and their friend to the bookstore and their favorite Auntie Annie's pretzels where they felt bountiful.
My dearest Saloni helped make my closet beautiful again by organizing it with me. I love mother-daughter bonding like that.
Sohan peppered the day with bountiful hugs and kisses.
Then my other beautiful friend, Stacey, came over for an impromptu hello which felt bountiful to both of us.

My heart and mind are singing loudly once again.

I'll keep continuing to capture the rare, the natural, the how-I-see-it.
I'll keep seeing things the way I love to in my rose-colored glasses.
I'll continue to be the best me.

Soul Food

It was June 16th. A Thursday. I was staring at the blank canvas of this blog when my adorable son, Sohan, came to hug me and noticed a serious expression on my face. I told him I had been wanting to write for a while but couldn't think about what...He simply smiled and told me to write a poem. A poem on happiness. How sweet! But the words just wouldn't come and happiness was the last thing I was feeling that day. The temperatures were soaring, a very close friendship of mine was on the outs and I just wanted to go on a really long evening drive...

But a week away does a soul so much good. Especially when hotel sheets smell of pure bleach. The smell of sweet dreams to me...endless thoughts of the past, present and future. Like the feeling of staring at the back of an airline seat...where the mind can zone out to perfection. Saloni had a one week STEM camp and our road trip down got us into new music, a new vibe and a much needed break from the everyday.

I read The Economist every hour I could. Listened to new dance songs. Hung out with my sister from Bombay who was visiting my niece in Miami. Seeing them all was just awesome. Visited my best friend Shivani in Boca. Yup...lots of driving, music and sightseeing...yes!!! All the talks about life, marriage, kids, business, errands, food, life again, immersed my mind. Drenched it with color and more. Something about the balmy Miami air took me back to Bombay. Even the architecture was reflective of India.

Then I met en elderly couple from Bolivia. I was waiting for the elevator as we started talking at the hotel. They were searching for a bus to take them to a mall. I was en route to meeting my sister at the mall, so I offered them a ride. I felt so blessed to have had the chance to do something like that. They were ever so happy to get out of the hotel - she was a teacher visiting the University for a class and he was a physician. It was like taking my own parents out - they were so loving. A few days later, I met their son who came down from D.C. - he thanked me and said gestures like that are unheard of these days...so he was happy we had met. Life had meaning again. Life felt sweet.

And Woody was with me. My new car companion. A VW that just has cuteness written all over it.

While suitcases waiting to be unpacked are staring at me, I am ready to head for bed with all the lovely conversations I had. The phone calls on the way down and the way back up to friends and family were not rushed for a change, thanks to how long the drives were! My 7-day sabbatical from Facebook made for more face time with my kids and more importantly, myself. My husband arranged for Marlins - Cubs tickets so we had awesome seats at a baseball game.

It's here. It's life. Good night.

Happy like a Shakespeare

And the happiest of tales
is what I'm feeling right now,
Trying to write like William Shakespeare
but I don't deserve a stage bow,
This photo says it all
I'm so happy and resplendent,
My smile and my eyes
reflects my joy and oft' independence,

http://julieryanphotography.pixieset.com/manishajoshi/p/NDUxNjEzOTA3-MjE5MDg3NjY4OQ/

And the fullest of the moon
couldn't capture all the songs,
That my heart is singing right now
they're righting all the wrongs,
I'm that girl that stands in the room
camouflaging all those demons,
Life is just too beautiful
so I'm not giving the bastards any reasons,

And when the sweetest sound of crickets
takes me to my happy place,
I'll be sure to send you a postcard
from California with a smile on my face...

Yesterday's Token

So here's to all the cold hearted
I'm trying hard to become departed,
I'm such a slave to yesterday
And tomorrow is too damn faraway,
How is it that you easily can let go
No kind of attachment do you ever show,
Is it magic or are you just perfect?
You can walk away and leave nothing to disect,
We're all taught to reason with and acquire
To live with wants and needs and desires,
Life doesn't raise us to be contemplative
It's go, get, go until we need to be resuscitated,
So tell me is it from being broken?
Was something stolen like an old love's token?
The days get heavy and the nights are too quiet
The moon's glow delivers an uneasy riot,
So here's to all the cold hearted
You never shirk from what you started
Cause now I know you don't get over it
When things are rough, you walk through it...

Hi Mummy

Hi Mummy,

I miss you. A lot. Today was one of those mornings that I really wanted to go back to our old house at 3434 Marywood Drive in Anaheim Hills. I remembered the long hours of yard work we'd do together on the weekends. Pulling weeds, planting new plants, getting bitten or chased by enormous bumble bees and watching Pappa mow the lawn and sneeze a million times! We would be hot and sweaty and yet, never complained. Everything we did, we did as a labor of love. Maybe all those things you did around us made me love so much in life. I seem to start every sentence with "Oh! I love..." You were a maestro in the kitchen. You handled everything so smoothly when Pappa would be gone for weeks or months for work. But I also saw the frustration and how life wore on you too. I remember how once I by accidentally said, "We're having leftovers again?" and how badly I wanted to take those words back seeing the sadness in your eyes. I remember knocking the ghee all over the floor while helping you as a kid and was strongly ushered away from the kitchen. Boy did I want to magically turn into a mop for you.

Today I had you on my mind as I made breakfast for the crew. I thought, it's Sunday, I'm going to go all out a la Mummy's style - but I served breakfast in paper plates - hope you'll forgive me on that point. I shredded hash browns from fresh potatoes. Cooked veggie soy sausages for protein, made iced coffee, set the table and even cut fresh strawberries with sugar and cinnamon on the side. I felt so good almost hearing your reaction to it. Just minutes before, I reminded the kids to clean their rooms and make sure they practiced for the talent show since it's this Thursday. Well, that started everything. It was as though an invisible plane flew through the air and sliced it in half. I was the evil force on one side, they were the merciless victims on the other. (Yes, we talk about Star Wars way too much!).

How do you get us not to ever argue with you? How did you enforce such great discipline in us that a clean countertop and clothes put away is a sign of joyful respect to life and not a mundane duty?

Then, the evil forces continued to permeate the airspace. Never mind that no one said anything about everything being ready to eat, laid out and well, done with love...a glass of perfectly poured juice was knocked over. Then the iced coffee was knocked over. Mummy, I so needed to hear you say something comforting. I kind of pretended you did. There was a huge puddle and mess and then the kids were mad that I was mad and ohhhh...the following sentences that flowed were seen as a "lecture" and a "speech".

Part of me kept many things I wanted to say silent. When the matriarch and the patriarch are talking, you need one of them to pull back. If it's not me, I am that evil force - no wonder I relate to Darth Vader. I'm not going to change, mind you. You were always a pillar of strength and remained firm on the beauty of domesticity. And I stand firm the same way. Why can't I raise kids to love and respect and cherish their abode? I mean, it is beautiful really. I love (yes, love) being home when it's clean and shiny and beautiful. I can take in the outdoors because the indoors are peaceful. Deep breath here...

So thank you Mummy. When no one is noticing or watching, I have you with me. I think you'd be happy. You'd approve. And hopefully, you'd know I always loved (again!) your love of all things home and travel and food and life. You celebrated it. And everyday, I celebrate it too...

Here's to that and here's to this.

And so it goes...

Perception. It's quite a striking thing really. What one thinks actually thinks of another person, place or thing. Rare that it is close to reality but when it is, there's always that element of surprise. There was once traditional media - newspapers, TV, radio, glossy magazines - where featured social figures and companies seemed untouchable. Now everything is right in front of us...everyone's daily life, when they sneezed, made a good decision, got a bad haircut, married for money, traveled for humanitarian rights. But what really is behind all that? I'm always skeptical of any form of media. To me, if I haven't met the person, visited the place or experienced the thing, then who am I to accept someone else's opinion/rating/judgement of it? You know?

So I was thinking about today's media and how quite often, what we project/post/tweet/instagram/etc can be so different from what our daily grind is. So for fun, I thought I'd post a few of my really, truly, honest-to-goodness moments from this week. Then perhaps, you will really see, the true me, in real reality (did that make you laugh?)

It's the morning...
The alarm goes off at 6:00am but I hit snooze at least twice. I kiss the kids. Make sure they have their clothes chosen for the day - that alone becomes quite emotional when you have a 10 year old girl. Then I tidy up a bit. Stop by our temple on the way downstairs, gotta be thankful for everything that has or may come my way. And then begins the fun or mayhem. Bring out the lunchboxes and contemplate what should be imported into them. If I'm good to myself, I'll put on a few tunes to get my morning going. Then of course, I hear random arguments between the kids upstairs. I hear my husband clearing his throat and construction trucks pulling into the streets. Birds are chirping madly outside and I am very happy the TV is off. I finish making three lunches and dash off to brush my teeth, put on my eyes (contacts) and figure out what I'll be wearing and doing for the day. This is critical. There are books dedicated to morning-drop-off outfits. Well not really, but someone should really write one. Please moms, leggings and pajamas are not pants! And keep your underpants on! After putting my face on (makeup), I head out to have breakfast with the crew. I say a silent prayer that they won't knock their glass over and spill the milk - which happens at least once a month. I eat. Kiss and hug my hubby goodbye as he aims to save the world from allergies. Meanwhile, I see a few stray socks by the door, about three different footballs and mismatched pairs of kids shoes. I breathe deeply and am thankful the checkbook is balanced or so I think. I take my vitamin, get dressed and then it's time to sweetly, I stress the word, sweetly, tell them..it's time to go!

The commute...
If the morning is pressed for time, I get into the car juggling my cell phone, a plate of a fried egg and bagel and a glass of milk. All while hoping the kids have put their backpacks and lunches in the car and no one has lost a limb yet. I have too many nightmares of them getting their fingers crushed in the door while closing it. Don't ask why. I crank up the volume to our ipod and while 60 miles an hour is preferred, I gotta be good and drive slow. I do want to live here for a while so I can't run over any neighbors just yet. We listen to our religious song which we do every morning and then it's time for song requests. Yes, this incurs arguing between my cartoons - either the song is played too often, one of them should get chosen first or they should be thanking me that I haven't crashed the car just hearing this backseat rumble. Just for kicks I play Depeche Mode as loud as possible till they can laugh or cry. Aaahhhh, peace has been instilled. Maybe not. Then I start my happy dance and they are mortally embarrassed that their mother, who has no tinted windows to date, is dancing away. I'm not making apologies here. Unless we were owners of a dance club, I could easily omit this activity from my morning hour, but oh why would I do that?! We get to school. As they get their stuff out of the trunk, I realize with horror that I haven't cut their fingernails in some unrecognizable amount of time...so I bring out the nail cutter and yes, cut their nails in the school parking lot. Oh c'mon, you gotta do what you gotta do! I walk them to class. Kisses, hugs and more embarrassment ensues - that's the reward for being a parent. Although, there is an unwritten acceptance between us- they accept my nuttiness in exchange for them being cartoons.

The day begins...
Now I can stretch my arms, look up at the sky and pull out my mental or written to do list. Sadly, none of the items on there are 1. Meet David Gahan 2. Catch flight to Bombay or 3. Enjoy a morning martini atop a hill in Laguna Niguel, CA. So I forge into the reality of the real list. McDonald's is calling me - I pick up my large coffee with 10 creams and 10 sugars. Oh please don't cringe, I need everything delicious sip of those ingredients! While every one of my days is different. Typically, grocery shopping, meeting one of my seamstresses, going to the bank, having a Chamber or business meeting, working with my assistant Lauren, joining a friend for coffee or lunch, returning phone calls, doing laundry, cleaning house are oh so common daily jigs. Of course, realizing the population of Greenland (which is at its all time low) is actually higher than that of the chips, cookie segments and fallen candy on the backseat of my car makes me stop and cringe. So sometimes, I take the longer or scenic route to places just to make life feel prettier. I am out of gas about every sixth day. It's easy for me pull over to take photographs about every third mile, and why not? Everything in life has some characteristic of beauty to me and I want to capture it. I love touching base with my closet friends be it text, calling or meeting so I try to reach out every day to one person and feel even giddier if I said hello and laughed with two or three of them. Really, that makes me giddy. I always make sure to talk to the builders, the inspector and wave at all of the contruction workers - I think they are so under-appreciated. Beside, I get to hear great stories from them. I keep my check on the time because I have to compress my entire day between 8:30am and 2:00pm. I try to prevent dragging the kids to errands - inevitably $20 gets spent on puuhhlleeaassee...donuts, candy or football cards...puuuhhlleeaassee! But sometimes, I have to. The good thing is that lessons get learned with errands. The cost of gas. Why donating to Goodwill is important. How donuts are made - there go the donuts again. But honestly, I think it's important they get to see what mom has to do outside of the fun lunches and things.

The day, part two...
The commute home is always questionable. If one of them has had a bad day, the entire ride and I mean the entire ride, is spent cheering them up. Letting them know that that dumb kid shouldn't have said that thing or that the teacher may not have meant to tell you to be quiet, is an art. Ooooohhhh. See why I need a large coffee with 10 creams and 10 sugars? And oh yes, I must must pack snacks, water and Capri Sun before I pick them up. They are ever so thirsty and hungry after school. Then of course, music requests kick in. Traffic is very slow. People must drive in the fast lane at 10mph. The Gods have summoned them. Coming home, a nap is calling. So after going over homework, getting out more snacks and checking the schedule for later-on-classes, I lay my head down. Mind you, it's rare that I actually sleep during this time. But getting to just lay down and close my eyes really feels good. Depending on the day of the week, it's either gym night, music class or theater class. So again, pac the snacks and drinks and away we go.

Dinner...
While I had dreamed of candlelight dinners and gourmet meals cooked by me, I am quite okay with eating pizza and watching Seinfeld on a picnic blanket on the floor. Hey if it works, it works. While watching,  a done list is running through my head. Did I get everything done? Do I need to stay up tonight? Is take the trash out night? Do I have papers to sign for the kids's school? Did everyone put their clothes away? Is their more laundry to dry? Mmmmmm. I need a moment to myself as everyone heads upstairs. My best time for anything needing concentration is when the world, as in my household, is asleep. I love love love the peacefulness of the night. And so, while I empty lunch boxes, hand out vitamins and clean the countertops, I pause to think of the day and what's in my head for tomorrow.

Night...
I either pass out by 9:00pm or am awake till 100am getting work done. Yes, I inevitably chat with my California and Bombay friends while working. The time zone works perfectly that way and then I don't feel alone while doing mundane website updates or family finances, you know?

Once I do hit the pillow, it makes me smile to see a few scattered stars in the sky. I always imagine one of them is my Pappa. I miss him so much. And then, I imagine him smiling down at my Mummy. She's just too far away. And right now, November is a month that's on my countdown because it's when I'll see her again.

Well, it's past 900pm, so do I sleep or work? Mmmmmm, time to pause and reflect.

An Evening with my Son-set

What happens when you set out to pursue a sunset? You get memories. Saloni fell asleep while Sohan and I took these photos just outside the car. A beautiful sky, a helicopter above (the drone was too fast to catch), waves lapping away and an awesome vintage car...this was the evening I was wishing for.

I got it. I'm savoring it. Thank you God. You painted the perfect setting for me...

Evening Ride

A million things inside my head
I said goodbye and rode instead
The eastern winds blew through my hair
I hadn't a reason to stop or care
It was my evening to take the world in
To suspend any thoughts of others within
Two shoulders upon which so much has rested on
In my head played my favorite song
The sun sunk lower and the clouds eclipsed
A blue sky and my rosy lips...

Eat your chocolate before it melts

I have a sweet tooth. Okay, I have always had a sweet tooth. But this post isn't about that or my love for chocolate. It's about life and living and giving the two feet we have the very best path.

Over Spring Break, I witnessed the widest smile I had ever seen on my Mummy's face in four years. Her eyes lit up seeing my kiddos after that long and my husband Sunil too. The way she gazed at them and appreciated their being by her side made my entire year. There has never been a time when she has complained about her state. Lying there day after day paralyzed by a stroke that happened years back, she doesn't complain or wonder what things are like just outside her room. I often wonder why she doesn't want to change things or doesn't get mad that she can't walk, move or do anything again. Perhaps she is fulfilled with her life. She has traveled the world, raised three girls, was married for over 50 years...and always enjoyed being a domestic goddess. I love that about her.

Then I came back home. Found out that two of my best friend's friends had passed away - one from cancer, the other from a sudden stroke. Then days after, my dearest best friend in the world, Jen...her mom passed away. That same evening, my former seamstress Rosie told me about three deaths of people she knew. Wow. So much death all around. It got me thinking...

Is everyone eating their chocolate? Are they relishing their life, the skies, the sea, the land beneath their feet, the big and small around them? Are they taking it all in? One of my all time favorite magazine ads from my twenties is a photograph of a party below:



I'd keep this ad up in my cubicle. Then in my desk, And well, I've kept it all these years. I never knew at that time that martinis would become my favorite drink! But this ad's message has always stuck by me. I love to live life with a vengeance. We only get one. There is no rehearsal, there is no retake, there is no second shot. This is it.

We are here to move and push and gravitate towards the unknown and give ourselves the best version of who we are. Any time of day is a good time to start. Go do it. Go seek it. Go find it. If you have already found your happy place, your niche in this vast world of choices and needs and wants, then you are a member of the "Live a little" crowd. And you are eating your chocolate well. Because we all need to eat it, savor it, taste it with every bud on our tongues...before it all melts and is gone and we are no longer here...

The Ocean has Two Faces

I stare out into the sea,
as it throws its mighty strength back to me,
Wave after wave, it sends me its gifts
washing upon the shore, the sand continually shifts,
The liquid waters change from time to time
no one in sight, this is feeling so fine,

Talk to me oh glorious sea
open your waters as you wash over me,
You toss the seaweeds at my feet
they entangle me, I am replete,
The colors change from blue to green
oh so pretty you paint this scene,

Lovely sea, your windows are open wide
between us only the moonlight divides,
Laughing calmly the sun begins to set
the evening enters, I've now just met,
The night and stars and a vision of you
You tease me with your waves so cruel,

At once you say to me
come here my darling, it's only the sea,
Falling fast into a sleep
you change your mood and you start to weep,
Shifting sands I awake to find you
shining your perfect colors so true,

Lovely still, you will always be
my favorite friend, my perfect sea,
You can change, you can stay the same
there is nothing more than a playful game,
So let me be by your side ever more
I promise you I'll sit still at shore...

It's 2:48 a.m.

...and the night is calling me
somewhere out west, midnight is yet to be,

the sea is anxious and waits for the sun to rise
moonlight tiptoes its way across the indian ocean skies,

paying attention to all that moves these eyes are wide awake
deception and the unknown are emotions we just can't fake,

it's 2:58 a.m. as a cold pizza sits alone in the night
cereal boxes align themselves in a cabinet out of sight,

the insects crawl, the birds sleep but something out there is restless
the possibilities of an open road are so inviting and so endless,

champagne glasses toast themselves at a beach front resort
i can hear the laughter, hear the sounds as they celebrate before they abort,

what happened to the days when we were wide awake?
because of happy things not those that are at stake,

what happened to the sea when its waves would come and caress us?
now it slathers and slaps the sand and brings out the dark within us,

it's 2:58 a.m. and i hear hunger knocking at the gate
it grabs me by the hand and asks if i'm ready for my fate...

Up

Jen, this one's for us...

Sometimes I just can't figure others out.
Sometimes I give so much of myself, I have nothing left.
Sometimes I want nothing more than the silence the night gives me.
Sometimes I really miss our "Mash" days.
Sometimes stopping to just gaze onto what absolutely no one will understand but means something to us is the best thing in the world.
Sometimes the reason why I don't share everything about me gets confirmed every single day.
Sometimes having a place where there are no boxes for likes or comments or hearts is absolutely splendid, like this blog.

And sometimes it takes one profound statement to sum everything up. Thank you Gregg Keefer. Now I can remember this when others just can't look up.

"Well we're all the center of our own universe. Some people are just better at looking up than others."

Six

Six photos that captured my day...oh how I love photography...

M is for Mash

A lovely stack of wood waiting to become someone's place to put up their feet

Stop...and notice nature, will ya?

A vintage VW, my road trip dream car

Aaahhh, love, love, love

Sunset in March...so peaceful 

And Monday Never Came...

She said the sweetest goodbye to me

the kind you can't ever forget,

And I couldn't wait to see her again

The weekend couldn't go faster yet,

Soon after she left my arms

her favorite time of day settled into the sky,

Sunsets will now change forever for me

everything was beautiful through her eyes, 

The news wasn't really something I watched

it bored and saddened me to no end,

Newspapers went straight in the trash

and the political debates left much to contend,

But walking along the beach

I ran into my neighbor and his dog,

He asked if I had heard the news 

about the girl who died driving in the fog,

She was found driving west of here

and they estimated her speed at 85,

Her ipod was still on full blast

I could picture her feeling so alive,

I stood still for what seemed like hours

the feelings in my limbs went numb,

The waves continued its courtship to the sea

and while I couldn't walk, I wanted to run,

She said the sweetest goodbye to me

the kind you can never forget,

All the passion she put into her days

oh she treated life like a celebratory fete,

Monday never came for us

her radiant smile was now etched in my mind,

Never afraid of anything

her future wasn't meant for a longer time,

She was found wearing a beautiful dress

her windows partially down, the heater stalled,

Her cell phone was tossed onto the floor

my number was the last she had called...

I've had this poem in my head for a week now...I know it's quite glum...in stark contrast to the week I've had. But this is me - a pure contradictions of sorts. I can be at my happiest and my saddest all at once. This is a poem describing the death of one's own self...in this case mine...